I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
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[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
oh my god
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.