Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
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My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing