Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
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[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Nomnomnomnom
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.