[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
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I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
my name if I was in the mob
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99