me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
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A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
What the hell is going on?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him