Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
You Might Also Like
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.