[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
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That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
be careful
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Van Gone
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles