Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
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Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.