If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
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Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.