My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
You Might Also Like
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.