guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
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Playdough smells better than other philosophers
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
getting old is fun
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Who’s ready for Friday?!