A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
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Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house