Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
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Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down