I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
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[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
What is going on? 😅
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’