I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
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Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Always
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane