Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
You Might Also Like
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.