therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
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BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.