Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
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she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!