You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
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People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you