Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
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Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
$4 #usedbooks
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.