My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
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Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Ah..makes sense now
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.