Raisins are grape jerky.
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When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Happy thanksgiving
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing: