The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
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a lot to unpack here
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit