[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
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Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME