Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
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If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle