HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
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My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.