My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
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I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
me when i see my girls butt
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.