Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
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“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
become ungovernable
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.