I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
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My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Dead sexy!!
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE