Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
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Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
The devil.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it