Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
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Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.