Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
You Might Also Like
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?