guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
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Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
WHY?!
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.