Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
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Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.