My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
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[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”