If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
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My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
The only equipped I am is ill.
mood
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”