COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
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if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣