80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
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[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Something Saturday.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!