Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
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“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Legend 🤣🤣
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.