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First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.