I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
You Might Also Like
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
never compromise your values
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”