A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
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*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Somebody call the cops.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr