MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
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Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
The most important meal of the day is the next one
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
you stereotypes are all alike
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.