Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
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Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL