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If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
constantly working on myself.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
good morning
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior