Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
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me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.