wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
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Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?