Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
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If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Some of y’all tomorrow …
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
That’s amazing.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.