That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
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America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I’d … I’d rather not.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches