Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
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I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉